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HerStory: Who am I? 

Over the last few years I have completely rewritten my story.

At 36 years old I could finally call myself a Woman. My skin finally fit.

I’d gone from feeling like a scared little girl, faking her way through adult life to a Sensual, Sexual, empowered woman.

Now I wish I could tell you that it all happened over night by a quick click of the fingers, but we know that’s not how these stories go. You start off questioning your own sanity, you drink yourself into an oblivion most weekends. You get a reputation for being a care free party animal. The drinking excessive amounts of cheap plonk kick starts your anxiety and the next thing you know you’re dosed up to the eyeballs on prescription meds. Your friends begin to question your motives, your family start to worry.

But you lie, because that’s what you do best, and you tell everyone “you’re fine” and to stop with the nagging. At this point in your life, you don’t even realise what’s going on under the surface, you think you’ve put it all to bed. The years of repression, psychological abuse and childhood trauma are all a thing of the past. You’ve survived it and believe it has no place in your current life. But over time you start to get bored of your own bullshit. You’re exhausted from all the lies and lack of authenticity in your life.

But you live by your script of feeling unworthy, not good enough and only of value if you’re saving the world and everyone in it. Wow, what a weight you carry on your shoulders. What an exhausting existence, to think that everyone else is more loving and worthier than you. You poor thing. If only you knew how potent and incredible your very being was. All those years fading into the background serving everyone but yourself.

And then, one day you got asked a question. The most important question I think I’ll ever hear. The one question that both floored me and inspired me in equal measures. It hit me like an explosion, shook my world upside down and forced me to take action. Something needed to change, in fact so many things  needed to change.

I lost myself for a few years there, but I needed to lose myself and all the years of repression and conditioning. I needed to shake off all I thought I knew about myself and start to slowly piece myself back together again.

I experienced some of the loneliest and darkest days of my life in those years trying to find myself. But they were also some of my best days, some of my best discoveries about my own magnificence. I miss those dark days, when the torch shone brightly into the abyss of my soul. I embraced those days and what almost felt like new and enchanting feelings.

But today, I have been reborn and I now fit into my womanly body, with all her magic and power. Today, I very proudly call myself a wise warrior woman and I accept all that I am.

Copyright: Paula

Photo: Upsplash

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